Somatic Consensus

Somatic Consensus practices help align our core values with our words and actions. By “coming to our senses,” we can access a discriminating wisdom and be more balanced and centered as we face the unknowns of life, love and learning.

To live our lives  fully, it is essential to understand and articulate what we deeply care about. This is where Somatic Consensus begins. Somatic Consensus training engages our physical, emotional, linguistic, intellectual and intuitive resources and helps them work together so we can build our capacity to manage mood and emotion, take skillful, decisive action and relate compassionately. In our busyness, relationships are often not given what they need.  Somatic Consensus processes honor the time and space needed to create connection and build trust. Training draws upon the traditions of mastery from the non-aggressive martial art of Aikido.  Add Somatic Coaching and Nonviolent Communication (NVC) to the mix, and you get simple yet deep techniques for recognizing our mind and body’s habitual reactions to pressure.  This recognition paves the way to more skillful and inclusive responses in challenging moments and turns old reactions into powerful new resources for connection and healing. Intentional, deliberate and committed practice over time Somatic Consensus builds within us the qualities of dignity, grace, empathy, compassion and integrity in a similar way that a martial artist or a craftsman builds his or her muscles, skills and abilities.

These programs draw from the fields of:

  • Somatics and Somatic Psychology
  • The non-aggressive martial art of Aikido
  • Nonviolent Communication
  • Consensus Decision Making models
  • Mindfulness

(Brief descriptions are below) Objectives and Outcomes in a nutshell:

  • Sustainability
  • Skill building
  • Caring relationships and fostering empathy
  • Empowerment for the students and the school
  • Enhanced critical thinking and performance
  • Accountability and personal investment

“Body of Wisdom gave me tools to have better awareness and increased sensitivity within my communications.” —Doug Orton “Go to the Body of Wisdom workshop! It’s worth it, but you might not know the real reason why until afterward.” —Kathy Buys

 

David Weinstock is the originator of Somatic Consensus and founder of Liminal Somatics.  He is a certified Somatic Coach through the Strozzi Institute and Stuart Heller’s Five Rings Coaching Institute.  He is a certified international trainer of Nonviolent Communication and a teacher and practitioner of Aikido for 30 years. His workshops and classes are designed to develop the abilities to self-direct, self-generate, and navigate through the complexities of life with greater clarity and integrity. He leads trainings locally and around the world—in his community, schools, prisons, and communities on four continents.

David draws from 35 years experience as an entrepreneur and artisan. As a respected Master Goldsmith he helped to create Green Karat, an organization that tackles the environmental hazards of the gold industry by promoting recycled, post-consumer gold and stones. David is currently a board member and co-founder of Peace Dojos International. This is an organization that works for peace and justice by means of self- mastery and community service with the martial arts as its medium. David serves as Executive Director of Community Artworks an organization devoted to helping community leaders manifest their dreams through the practice of fully embodied skills and actions.

Judith Weinstock teaches Nonviolent Communication, Re-Evaluation Counseling and somatic practices through the mediums of food, music and communication. She has published two cookbooks and for the last ten years Judith has been teaching “Humanities Through Food”, a curriculum that she has developed that integrates history, ethics, economics, nutrition, agriculture, culture, science and food politics through the lens of food and the art of cooking.  She is currently writing a third cookbook based on this curriculum. Judith Weinstock teaches Re-evaluation Counseling and Nonviolent Communication .  She has taught/coached voice as a somatic practice.

David and Judith co-founded an intentional community, where they have raised their family over the past twenty five years. They have devoted their adult lives to practicing community, committing themselves to an integrated and intentional way of life. All of their work is based on building our connection to one another and to nature. They are committed to bringing all voices to the circle, reclaim community and value diversity so we can sustain life on this planet for generations to come.

 

Core Skills and Knowledge

  • Empathic listening
  • The Foundations for Mastery
  • Nonviolent Communication-verbal and non-verbal skills
  • Leadership Training
  • Earth/Body connections

 

Through this Program students will learn to:

  • Transform self‐limiting beliefs and habits
  • Effectively manage and regulate moods
  • Take decisive action
  • Trust their intuition and improve the sense of timing
  • Embrace a greater community vision while attending to details
  • Recognize and cultivate/ natural strengths, talents, and intelligences
  • Bring to a more conscious level what they communicate beyond words
  • Build the ability to take action gracefully under pressure
  • Develop their ability to self-regulate self-organize and self-motivate
  • Practice becoming a more receptive listener and offer greatersupport to one another
  • Reveal and enhance their unique leadership style, deepening the capacity to listen and speak their truth
  • Make requests that produce results
  • Take decisive action that aligns with values
  • Declare their commitments and more effectively fulfill them
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Somatic Consensus Training

Somatic Consensus practices help align our core values with our words and actions. By “coming to our senses,” we can access a discriminating wisdom and be more balanced and centered as we face the unknowns of life, love and learning.

2014-05-15 16.55.36-1To live our lives  fully, it is essential to understand and articulate what we deeply care about. This is where Somatic Consensus begins. Somatic Consensus training engages our physical, emotional, linguistic, intellectual and intuitive resources and helps them work together so we can build our capacity to manage mood and emotion, take skillful, decisive action and relate compassionately. In our busyness, relationships are often not given what they need.  Somatic Consensus processes honor the time and space needed to create connection and build trust. Training draws upon the traditions of mastery from the non-aggressive martial art of Aikido.  Add Somatic Coaching and Nonviolent Communication (NVC) to the mix, and you get simple yet deep techniques for recognizing our mind and body’s habitual reactions to pressure.  This recognition paves the way to more skillful and inclusive responses in challenging moments and turns old reactions into powerful new resources for connection and healing. Intentional, deliberate and committed practice over time Somatic Consensus builds within us the qualities of dignity, grace, empathy, compassion and integrity in a similar way that a martial artist or a craftsman builds his or her muscles, skills and abilities.

These programs draw from the fields of:

  • Somatics and Somatic Psychology
  • The non-aggressive martial art of Aikido2014-05-12 14.08.22
  • Nonviolent Communication
  • Consensus Decision Making models
  • Mindfulness

(Brief descriptions are below) Objectives and Outcomes in a nutshell:

  • Sustainability
  • Skill building
  • Caring relationships and fostering empathy
  • Empowerment for the students and the school
  • Enhanced critical thinking and performance
  • Accountability and personal investment

IMG_1816“Body of Wisdom gave me tools to have better awareness and increased sensitivity within my communications.” —Doug Orton “Go to the Body of Wisdom workshop! It’s worth it, but you might not know the real reason why until afterward.” —Kathy Buys

Core Skills and Knowledge

  • Empathic listening
  • The Foundations for Mastery
  • Nonviolent Communication-verbal and non-verbal skills
  • Leadership Training
  • Earth/Body connections

Through this Program students will learn to:

  • Transform self‐limiting beliefs and habits
  • Effectively manage and regulate moods
  • Take decisive action
  • Trust their intuition and improve the sense of timing
  • Embrace a greater community vision while attending to details
  • Recognize and cultivate/ natural strengths, talents, and intelligences
  • Bring to a more conscious level what they communicate beyond words
  • Build the ability to take action gracefully under pressure
  • Develop their ability to self-regulate self-organize and self-motivate
  • Practice becoming a more receptive listener and offer greatersupport to one another
  • Reveal and enhance their unique leadership style, deepening the capacity to listen and speak their truth
  • Make requests that produce results
  • Take decisive action that aligns with values
  • Declare their commitments and more effectively fulfill them

 

  1. Somatic Consensus: This portion of the training is designed to help students to clarify the future they desire and develop the skills they need to make this future a reality. Participants examine embedded patterns that often go unnoticed and learn simple daily centering practices for aligning their core values with their words and actions.
  2. Embodying Nonviolent Communication:Students will learn to work through conflicts and increase their capacity to resource diversity. In the NVC “Dojo”, practice transforms old embodied strategies and verbal patterns that no longer work for us into resources that produce an authenticity and presence that inspire trust and credibility.
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Nonviolent Communication Basics

We can make life miserable or wonderful for ourselves and others depending upon how we think and communicate.” Marshall Rosenberg

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a language of compassion and offers a path for positive social change to come back to when we lose our way in the complexities of relationship. The integration of thinking, feeling, and intuition is at the heart of NVC training and the domain of the consciousness it cultivates. Practicing NVC grounds word and action in a consciousness that cultivates compassionate connection with others by identifying the “needs” that underlie our own and others’ feelings and actions. In this appendix are some of the very basic forms and distinctions of NVC, that Marshal Rosenberg, its founder refers to as the map and not the territory. The territory is the consciousness. Marshall’s book is a quick, easy, and an excellent read for those wanting to learn the basics. As with any art, these rudiments necessarily must be learned, practiced, understood, embodied and then let go of so as not to become rote and block creativity. Like training wheels on a bike, they help us learn but can eventually impede us.

Nonviolent Communication in its most expansive form is a way of life and its principles of non-violence can be practiced everywhere. Nonviolent Communication is brilliant in its simplicity, with many distinctions and nuanced skills to learn. NVC skills emphasize taking personal responsibility for our actions and the choices we make when we respond to others, as well as how to contribute to relationships based in cooperation and collaboration. With NVC we train with the intention to connect on the heart level and, as much as possible, keep our attention in the present moment and not stuck in the past of the “he-said” “she-said” blame and shame game.

Honesty and empathy are two parts to Nonviolent Communication’s core language skills.

  • Honesty in the form of expressing your present-moment observations, feelings, needs, and requests.      
  • Empathy in the form of connecting with another person’s present-moment feelings and needs.

Empathy begins with self-empathy in the form of connecting with your own present-moment feelings and needs (experiencing them internally beyond simply naming them). Empathy, self-empathy and honesty are practiced and expressed through four components – observations, feelings, needs, and requests.

Observation: To state concrete, clear observations of actions you observe in yourself or the other person. It helps to describe observations as something that can be clearly captured on a video camera. Be sure to separate moral judgments and evaluations from the specific behaviors and conditions that are being observed. (This is much more difficult than it sounds.)

Feelings: State the feeling that the observation is triggering in you. Or, guess what the other person is feeling, and ask. Identify and articulate what you are feeling as distinguished from what you are thinking or the judgments you may have. Feelings include emotions, body sensations, moods, and states of mind.

Needs: Once you know what you are feeling, use that to help identify and articulate your needs. In NVC, “needs” are essential and universal human needs we all have in common such as safety, belonging, and understanding. NVC practices help distinguish needs from the strategies we use to meet our needs. If your perception of a need includes a specific person, place, action, or time, it is a strategy masquerading as a need.

Requests: Make requests that are clear, positive, actionable, and that honor one another’s needs. Be sure to tell the other person what you would like them to do, never what you want them not to do, or what you want them to stop doing. The primary difference between a request and a demand is that, if the other person says “no” to your request, there are never any negative repercussions.

NVC Quick Tips, Tools and Distinctions

Needs, not Wrong-ness

If you are feeling upset, instead of thinking about what’s wrong with others or yourself, think about what need of yours is not being met and what could be done to meet it.

Mourning and Celebration: We mourn what we love that we miss and celebrate what is present in our lives that we love. Both, forms of gratitude are essential to healing and their expression honors life.

The Four “D”s are ways of thinking that disconnect us from ourselves and others:

  • Diagnosis– judgment, blame, criticism and labeling
  • Denial– of responsibility for our own feelings and actions, or denying someone else theirs
  • Demand– a form of coercion rather than request
  • Deserve- assuming that certain behaviors merit certain consequences

Don’t put your “but” in someone’s face especially if they are angry. Learn to replace the word “but” with “and” and then re-work the sentence into a more congruent and positive statement.

Sorry

Whenever you want to say you are sorry, instead of self-deprecating supplication, express your sadness and true regrets for what you have done and what you would have loved to have done instead. A different way of saying I am sorry might be,

“I regret what I just said, it didn’t meet my need to help us connect in ways that honor one another.”

Exaggerations and Generalizations

Mixing what you actually observe with exaggerations and generalizations will invite reaction. Be careful using such words like never, frequently, always, usually, a lot, many, seldom, etc. Practice being as clear as possible with the words you use to describe what you observe.

“Should-ing”

“Should” is a socially acceptable yet somewhat veiled demanding way of telling someone(or ourselves) what to do. Whenever “should” is spoken, notice how it feels to receive, then translate it into a question to yourself as to whether it is something you willingly choose to do or not.

Reflecting

When things get emotional, ask if you can reflect what the other is saying because you really want to hear what they want you to understand. When someone really experiences you doing your best to understand him or her, there is very little for them to resist.

Demand or Request

When asking someone to do something, check first to see if you are making a request or if it is really a demand.

It’s Hard to do a Don’t

Instead of requesting what you DON’T want someone to do, say what you DO want the person to do in clear, positive, do-able language.

Find Common Ground

Before agreeing or disagreeing with anyone’s opinions, try to tune in to what the person is feeling and needing.

Yes behind the No

Instead of saying “no,” say what need of yours is preventing you from saying “yes.”

Expressing Gratitude

Instead of praising someone who did something you like, express your gratitude by telling the person what need of yours that action met.

Moral Judgments and Labeling

Liberate our selves from verbs” to be” Thinking someone is_____

Whenever you use the words, “You are….”, remember that you are either labeling or making a personal judgment of another.

Appreciation is not a Need. We are often taught to use appreciation as a way of manipulation instead of a sincere celebration of how my life has been enriched. Appreciation is a request for confirmation that I have contributed to your well-being.

40 words

We can often loose connection by using more than 40 words at a time in any heated dialogue.

Beware of Labels

Move away from the use of static labels to analyze, criticize, or categorize. Practice speaking in ways that recognize and honor one another as changing beings.

 Needs and Feelings

A brilliant distinction that NVC brings forth is that our deeper individual and mutual needs are one and the same, and that where we get hung up is in the strategies we choose to meet our needs. Identifying needs gives us both the focus and the energy to find the necessary words and take effective action—to form the kinds of requests that produce life-enriching results. Marshall and other trainers often give a list of words that help identify needs. Increasing our “needs and feelings” vocabulary to express such qualities of being is revelatory and essential, but words alone fall short in expressing the actual beauty and scope of what needs actually are. Universal human needs are something that we all share, and the notion is that we all have an equal right to have our needs met. I extend this idea to include the non-human world as well, recognizing our partnership and equality with the plants, animals, and earth as a whole. In other words, no one’s spirit is greater or lesser. It is how we think, judge, and interpret that differs. When we focus primarily on our different ways of thinking, we can easily lose sight of our humanness and the deep needs that we all share.

 

Needs

9 needs in order of physical to spiritual

Sustenance, Safety, Love, Empathy, Creativity, Play, Rest, Community, Autonomy, Meaning

 More Needs

acceptance
affection
appreciation
belonging
cooperation
communication
closeness
community
companionship
compassion
consideration
consistency
empathy
inclusion
intimacy
love
mutuality
nurturing
safety
security
stability
support
to see and be seen
to understand
to be understood
trust
warmth
air
food
movement/exercise
rest/sleep
sexual expression
safety
shelter
touch
water
authenticity
integrity
presence
joy
humor
beauty
communion
ease
equality
harmony
inspiration
order
choice
freedom
independence
space
stimulation
to matter
awareness
challenge
clarity
competence
consciousness
creativity
discovery
efficacy
effectiveness
growth
hope
learning
mourning
participation
purpose
self-expression

 

Feelings

Words describe experience. Most of us have a very limited vocabulary for how we feel. We feel good, ok, bad, tired, busy, or sad. Expanding our vocabulary and ability to feel into sensation and articulate the nuances of what we feel clarifies the messages we send. Thoughts convey to the listener what we are thinking. Feelings convey to the listener our emotional and/or physical states.

Generally, thoughts precede what we feel and what we feel can dominate our thoughts. Thoughts or beliefs (which are also thoughts) may be conscious or unconscious. Some of our core beliefs are buried deep below the surface of our awareness. A feeling can occur alone, and the mind will search for a thought, a story, to attach to it. That is precarious, because often the story actually isn’t connected to the feeling, but our mind likes to have an explanation. In order to be fully understood when discussing a conflict, the listener needs to know the speaker’s thoughts and feelings. Therefore, feelings and thoughts need to be clearly differentiated and articulated. This all matters for one simple reason: thoughts and feelings are two different types of data. More data and accurate data expressed gives us the best shot at being understood, loved, and respected. When we hear the word “I feel” followed by “like,” “as if,” or “that” and then a pronoun or a person’s name, the statement is most likely a thought, not an actual feeling. Let’s explore this somatically:

1. First imagine you are speaking with someone. Now, with feeling, say each sentence below, one at a time, as if each were true for you. After each sentence, notice if what you are actually feeling is actually clear to you or not.

·      I feel like you do not understand me.

·      It feels as if we are never going to be together.

·      I feel like you don’t care about a clean house.

·      I feel like Bob is heading for some big problems

 

  1. Now we’ll add a true feeling after the word “feel.” Read this set of sentences and see if what you feel is clearer
  • I feel frustrated when you tell me you will be on time and then you arrive late.
  • I feel hopeless trying to find the connection I so want with you.
  • I feel pissed when I come home to such a mess.
  • I feel scared when I see Bob drinking every night.

This first set of sentences each express a thought rather than a feeling. Receiving such statements will most likely be heard as an evaluation or criticism.

The second set of sentences conveys clearly the feeling experienced by the speaker. When our communication transmits that we are taking responsibility for our feelings, the listener will relax more and is less likely to hear blame or judgment.

Feelings when your needs are satisfied:

compassionate
friendly
loving
open hearted
sympathetic
tender
warm
absorbed
alert
curious
engrossed
enchanted
entranced
fascinated
interested
intrigued
involved
spellbound
stimulated
expectant
thrilled        vibrant
open
proud
safe
secure
animated
ardent
aroused
astonished
dazzled
eager
energetic
enthusiastic
giddy
invigorated
lively
passionate
surprised
optimistic
appreciative
moved
thankful
touched
amazed
awed
wonder
amused
delighted
glad
happy
jubilant
pleased
tickled
blissful
ecstatic
elated
enthralled
exuberant
radiant
calm
clear headed
comfortable
centered
content
fulfilled
mellow
quiet
relaxed
relieved
satisfied
serene
still
tranquil
trusting
enlivened
rejuvenated
renewed
rested
restored


Feelings when your needs are not satisfied:

apprehensive
dread
foreboding
frightened
mistrustful
panicked
petrified
scared
suspicious
terrified
wary
worried
aggravated
dismayed
disgruntled
displeased
exasperated
frustrated
impatient
irritated
irked
enraged
furious
incensed
indignant
irate
livid
outraged
resentful
animosity
dazed
hesitant
lost
mystified
perplexed
puzzled
torn
alienated
aloof
apathetic
bored
cold
detached
distant
distracted
indifferent
numb
removed
uninterested
withdrawn
agitated
alarmed
discombobulated
disconcerted
disturbed
perturbed
rattled
restless
shocked
startled
ashamed
chagrined
flustered
guilty
mortified
self-conscious
beat
burned out
depleted
exhausted
lethargic
listless
sleepy
tired
weary
worn out
agony
anguished
bereaved
devastated
grief stricken
heartbroken
hurt
lonely
miserable
regretful
remorseful
depressed
dejected
despair
distressed
distraught
edgy
fidgety
frazzled
irritable
jittery
nervous
overwhelmed
restless
stressed out
fragile
guarded
helpless
insecure
leery
reserved
sensitive
shaky
envious
jealous
longing
nostalgic
pining
heavy hearted
hopeless
melancholy
unhappy
wretched wistful
Some Marshallisms

Here are some quotes of Marshall Rosenberg that he shared in his trainings:

  • “Every diagnosis is a self-fulfilling prophecy. What you see is who you get.”
  • “When you see someone as complaining you are already in diagnosis. You have to learn how to enjoy their pain.”
  • “Empathic connection before fixing.”
  • “Only empathize if it is something you are doing for yourself. When it meets your need to go surfing with the divine energy. If not, then do something else.”
  • “There is a difference between asking if that is clear and would you tell me what you heard.”
  • “When you want someone to change, consider both, what would it is that you’d like the other person to do differently and what do you want their reasons to be for doing it?”
  • “When your feeling positive your needs are met.”
  • “When your feeling negative your needs are not met.”
  • “We all meet our needs to the best of our abilities.”
  • “Anything that is worth doing is worth doing poorly.”
  • “Empathize, don’t justify.”
  • “Unexpressed fear is almost always heard as aggression.”
  • “Rewards take the rewards out of it.”
  • “Respect as a feeling is a bit dangerous because we think we get it from another.”
  • “To give is domination, if I cannot receive.”
  • “When someone is talking a lot, look for need under the pain that is moving him or her to talk.”
  • “When some one is talking a lot you can say, I need to stop and need to know what you want from me. The feeling under the words must be patient.”
  • On regrets he said, “We do things we wouldn’t have done if we knew than what we are learning now.”
  • “Do not think what you say is empathy, this is off target; empathy is where we connect our consciousness with our intentions.”
  • “A hug is a mug, when you give it to someone when they need empathy.   When you do it to get rid of the pain because you cant stand their pain.”
  • “We are responsible for our intentions and actions.”
  • “How others reinterpret our actions and intentions is what creates their feelings, this is out of our control and we cannot be responsible for their feelings.”
  • “When people keep repeating themselves is where they need empathy.”
  • “We can only experience pain when it touches beauty.”
  • “Don’t try to be perfect try to get less stupid”.
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My Intentional Community

1https://wiseacrescommunity.squarespace.com

 

Wise Acres Cooperative Association, established in 1990, is a thriving multi-generational community in the rural waterfront town of Indianola, Washington. The original 9 home sites are individually owned and members share ~20 acres of forested greenbelt, a common house, gardens, orchards, well and roads collectively. Over the years Persephone Farm and various new friends and families have moved to adjoining lands, expanding our Community with their gifts and efforts.

 An “intentional community” is where people come together with the intention and commitment to create Community.  Wiseacres has chosen the path of consensus and its original intention of sharing resources, raising children together and nurturing the land made all the sense in the world and it still holds true.

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Interview for the workshop at the Bodhi Center

Head Shot best

                                                       Click here to listen

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David and Judith’s Music

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The Roots of Somatic Consensus

katya

Much of my adult life has been dedicated to fostering relationships and communities where all voices are valued and in which everyone thrives. This commitment took on a world of new challenges in 1990 when my wife, Judith and I joined with eight other families to start the intentional community in which we have raised our families. Our common vision—to steward the land, share resources wherever possible, and care for our children more collaboratively—made all the sense in the world then and still holds true today. Determined and filled with a sense of purpose, the other co-founders, Judith and I walked into the tasks of community with the best intentions.

The struggles and trials during our community’s formative years were plentiful and took us far beyond our comfort zones. Intuitively, we chose consensus as the process for working things out with the hope of making more inclusive, collaborative decisions together. At the start, we found precious few people we could ask for guidance—someone who had experience with consensus or even with an intact, healthy family or community in which inter-generational relationships were a part of daily life. None of us knew what consensus really was. None of us had grown up with it, and those who thought they did know what it was made the most headaches for themselves and the others. Our community felt like a pressure cooker in a house of mirrors, relentlessly reflecting ourselves in one another’s eyes.

The Seeds of Somatic Consensus

At a time when we were desperate to find better ways to work through our differences, one of my neighbors organized a weekend workshop on Nonviolent Communication (NVC). Based on the work of Marshall Rosenberg, NVC’s core teachings illuminate how our feelings put us in touch with our deeper, universal human needs, and that when these become the source of our words and actions, we create conditions conducive to enriching, healthier relationships through compassionate exchange.

  • Nonviolent Communication

This introductory workshop brought up more questions than it answered, but the power in its principles was evident, so we pursued it further. Soon after, at another workshop, I was given the instruction to sit and listen with empathy to two women who were engaged in a role-playing conflict. At the time, I found the explanations of empathy somewhat vague, so I filled them in with my imagination. As the role-playing got underway, the women began to argue. I quieted my breath and thoughts. I imagined a listening field as a bubble around me that grew to include and gently hold the women with care. This produced a heightened sensitivity to who these women were underneath their heated words. The space felt charged with an aliveness that bridged the distance between us. Something felt familiar, and then I was struck with an epiphany. This is Aikido! I realized that empathy in Nonviolent Communication was the same as a ki field in Aikido, and that giving empathy to these two women was something that I had been practicing for 20 years while training in the peaceful martial art of Aikido.

  • Aikido

When I first started Aikido, I was working as an activist for social justice and environmental causes, teaching workshops and producing benefits to raise awareness and funds for these causes. Aikido provided a “do” or path to navigate the diversity, strong emotions and conflicts that arose with dignity and grace. Encoded within Aikido practice is the intention of loving protection for all. Aikido develops the ability to be skillfully empathic in the face of conflict. Not unlike the “force” in the famous Star Wars movie series, one of the more esoteric core aspects of Aikido is training with ki. When someone attacks in Aikido training, we learn to surround the attac

ker with an intention of loving protection, an energetic ki field, much like I did with the two women in the NVC role-playing exercise. When you include another in such a way, it becomes possible to sense the intentions and needs at the core of another’s aggressive words or actions, and by doing so, to harmonize the “attack” at its source, before it has time to turn to violence.

If initial signs of conflict are ignored or not attended to, often more harmful or violent strategies emerge in order to get our attention. The more difficult a conflict is, the more urgent the message that is trying to reveal itself.

From that moment on, I began to find ways that these two harmonizing traditions complement and inform each other. Nonviolent Communication offers an elegant language to those who study Aikido, and Aikido lends kinesthetic elements to every aspect of Nonviolent Communication. As a kinesthetic learner, I found it difficult to understand NVC in the traditional ways it was taught to me. Aikido’s time-honored tradition of mastery suggested exciting new ways to embody Nonviolent Communications principles.

  • Somatic Coaching

All roads led me to the cutting-edge field of Somatics—the art and practice of sensing the body as experienced from within, and I began my training as a somatic coach. The emergent field of Somatics clarifies how repetitive responses to life’s situations become lodged in our nervous systems and muscles and how independent and often inappropriate or unproductive our habituated responses can be from what is happening in the present moment. Simply put, your body will do what it has repetitively learned to do. Daily, we see messages that commercialize and distance us from our bodies instead of acknowledging the body as a source of learning and an ever-present wealth of information about ourselves. When you train your attention to shift from the dramas you perceive to what is happening in your body, your body becomes a place to come home to when you lose your bearings.

Somatics address historical habits with the promise of intentional recurrent practice in learning new skills and interpretations. It confirms the instinctual wisdom of our own bodies to participate deeply in our own healing. By tuning directly into our sensory experience, we can discharge the anxiety held in old embodied reactions, contact deep needs that have been habitually ignored, and cultivate resources for connecting with one another more capably and enjoyably. Our bodies put us in touch with our emotions, and our emotions, when consciously listened to, tell us what matters and what we need. Love is truly felt and followed by listening to our body’s most subtle messages.

  • Consensus

Consensus was the model my community chose from the start. Much like marriage or having children, no matter what anyone tells you, the only way to understand consensus is to experience it, over time. Paradoxically, like the proverbial chicken and egg, the principles of consensus inform its practices while the practices slowly reveal insights regarding its principles. Living consensus invites self-reflection, honesty, and transparency in relationships. Its ever-changing dance of interdependence trains those who practice it to pulse more fluidly between “me” and “we” and offers insights for entering the profound mystery of relationship with dignity and grace. Its dynamic processes develop an appreciation for the messiness inherent to enduring relationships. There are no straight lines. Insights from working with consensus show up in their own time. In the middle of the conflicts and protective stances that occurred in my community, a sweetness arose that created the bonds and longevity of our community, and that birthed an intense devotion and tolerance for our differences. Far more than an alternative to Robert’s Rules of Order or parliamentary procedure, the consensus process we have nurtured over the years has revealed itself to be a way of life. It is about who we are and how we show up with each other within and outside meetings.

Practicing consensus within a community, the skills of Aikido, Nonviolent Communication, and Somatics are the cornerstones of Somatic Consensus. These currents join in the practices I present as a way to synchronize language, emotions, and actions through meaning that is deeply felt.

Reclaiming our faculties to deeply feel and empathize is central in Somatic Consensus practice. We need only ask ourselves, “Why do so many marriages end in divorce these days?” “Why the alarming rate of sexual abuse and sky-rocketing incarceration?” “If we truly felt our interdependence and our common humanity, could we cut down ancient forests, bulldoze delicate ecosystems, overfish and pollute our waters, and in doing so extinguish species at such an alarming rate, jeopardizing future generations’ sources of life?” “Would we create such incredible weapons of mass destruction or let such an enormous discrepancy grow between the haves and the have-nots?”

From intimate relationships to international politics, the consequences are evident, and the cause originates from the deep mistrust of our own bodies, feelings, and senses. Our society’s glorification of thinking over feeling splits heart-brain unity into two essentially separate and even antagonistic systems. This schism leads to a long procession of incoherent and destructive personal and communal patterns. Who we are is a whole body affair.

Quiet your breath and thoughts and just feel your body. Your body is a web of interconnectedness. And your survival depends on one quadrillion single-cell microorganisms—not human cells—that make up all but 10 percent of your body weight. Your body is a diverse community. This is who you are.

Whether endeavoring to listen to our internal conflicts in our most intimate relationships, raising our families, building community, or growing organizations with thousands of members, the virtues to cultivate and the basic skills to be learned and honed are one and the same. The more practice the better! Somatic Consensus distills processes for the practice of community. It addresses a politic based in the reclamation of more whole and healthy relationships that grow our ability for living more collaboratively and thinking more collectively. This is where choices are made from a broad moral commonwealth that can sustain and generate a nurturing future for generations to come.

 

 

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The Missing Ingredient

2013-07-12 15.13.10A RECIPE FOR COMMUNITY

We are—by our very nature—communal. Our bodies are a wildly complex ecosystem that reflects the vitality and diversity of the landscape that feeds us. Somatic food practices invite us to fully and empathically engage in the connection between the life we live and the life that feeds us. To begin these practices we must tease apart and identify what we care about and how those values inform our choices in how we answer to our hunger. This can be an arduous and challenging process, because every aspect of being human is cellularly shaped by our primal experiences of being fed and loved. These two fundamental needs fit hand in glove: they are the prime ingredients for creating a sense of well being that supports our potential to imagine, engage our curiosity, explore, invent, and create. But first, we must eat to stay alive!

Marshall Rosenberg brilliantly articulated the human duality of me/we, and our striving for both autonomy and community, a sense of belonging. The premise of his articulation of universal needs is that it is possible for everyone’s needs to get met. Marrying this idea to somatic food practices when so many are going hungry on this planet, we are participating in a revolutionary process: to answer to our hunger in a manner that is life-serving, around the planet and across all species.

Within a global food system in a global economy our food choices impact all life. This most personal human act has profound public ramifications like no other time in history.

Our personal health and the health of the planet are bosom buddies. They suckle from the same teat. We are as inextricably linked as the roots of the apple trees in the earth that holds/feeds them to produce those delicious apples that we put in our children’s lunches or in the pie that we put on our table for dessert. The health of our internal landscape is in direct relationship to the health and vitality of the community of life that fills our plates and bellies. To nurture and reclaim the health of our bodies is to restore the health of the earth.

Somatic Consensus and FoodIMG_0450

Somatic consensus provides a foundation from which we can begin the journey and practice of aligning “head-over-heart-over belly” as a generative practice to inform our food choices. The following is an example of what this process might look like:

Belly: I’m hungry!!!! Feed me. NOW!

Heart: O.K. Settle down. You’re not starving…let’s go out to the garden, pick some veggies and make a beautiful meal. We can invite your friend over!

Belly: I can’t wait! I’m hungry!!!!

Head: We need to make sure we get something healthy into our body. Some protein, a vegetable, a fruit, a little bit of starch.

Belly: There’s a Taco Bell! Let’s stop!

Head: Well, they do have a salad bar…maybe that will work. But, none of it will be organic or local.

Heart: Ah, come on…you know that isn’t the same as cooking something all together and sitting down at the table to share it. Let’s go home and make a salad! I promise we all will feel much better if we do.

Belly: O.K Can we make it quick though?

Head: I’ll gather the salad mixings while you two make a dressing and set the table.

To reclaim our health in somatic terms, we must first embrace the enormity of the importance of community. Spiritually, we hunger to belong. Intellectually, we understand the importance of it. Physically, our health depends on it—food security is by definition biodiversity, which is the abundant community of life that feeds all community—the community of life that is on our plate, the human family/communities that we belong to and the communion of earth, air, water and fire that comes together in cooking for ourselves.
How we relate to food can become a daily empathic practice for deepening connection to all life.  Empathy, our first language and birthright, puts us in touch with the wider horizons of our collective living.

A truism of modern neuroscience is “use it or lose it.” In a culture that values thinking over feeling, our empathic faculties have become somewhat atrophied. Revitalizing our innate empathic abilities takes practice–the more, the better–and since we eat several times a day, our relationship to food presents possibilities to cultivate connection, joy, creativity, and meaning.

When I first feel pangs of hunger, I am aware that in the simple act of turning my attention toward eating and the anticipation sparked begins the process of feeding myself. Hormones are released, my excitement is ignited, the conversation with my body as to what color, what flavor, what texture, what taste is being asked for is the practice of trusting the wisdom of my body and loving that it knows exactly what it needs.   In my delight, I walk out to the garden. Greeting all the colorful and diverse plants there, I invite the intimate conversation my belly so easily divines with the plants.  The following thoughts came out of a walk through the garden to make my lunch.

I walked out to the garden

To listen to the plants whisper their healing message

As I followed my hunger for life.

Red orach screamed purple for passion, beauty, family, community.

Parsley spoke the taste of bitterness, and the ability to transform it to strengthen the beating of my heart.

Arugula—not too much, she said—appreciate spicy medicine and know when to be more gentle on yourself.

Chickweed spoke of living fully within my skin, old and wrinkly as it may become.

Dill smiled and offered the delight of nuance and accentuation.

Spinach was open and abundant, offering nurturing, tenderness, succulence and nutrition.

Mizuna spoke of delicateness and how it can dazzle in the right light.

I came back to the kitchen and spoke my gratitude to each as I placed them in my bowl.

To renew.

To become.

To share with you…………

As a somatic practice, ask direct questions to your body to nurture and build trusting the wisdom of your body. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, the body never lies.

It might unfold something like the following:

“What color?”

“Orange!”   So, Buttercup Squash goes into my basket. “Something green!” I pluck the kale and add it to the basket. “What texture?” I might ask.

“Something crispy and sweet” and Kohl Rabi joins the ever expanding harvest.

“Arugula!”

“Golden Purslane!”

“Tomatoes!”

Even before I walk out to the garden, the rush of anticipation noticeably releases happy hormones into my bloodstream as I respond to my hunger with wide-open arms.

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Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “The greatest delight the fields and woods minister is the suggestion of an occult relation between man and the vegetable.  I am not alone and unacknowledged.  They nod to me and I to them. Our meal begins and nutrition added when we respond to our hunger with appreciation that our body knows exactly what it needs.  Our bodies never lie.”

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IMG_0393A Somatic Food Practice
Stand in a  vertical stance–head above heart, above belly.  Take a deep relaxing breath and then ask yourself the following questions.  When asked, invite your senses and imagination to listen for answers that you might not otherwise hear. The following loop of identifying stimulus, needs, and strategies provides a formula for changing habits to better meet your needs. These kinds of questions exercise your felt sense, the same faculty that you engage for empathy!

First: Identify the Stimulus
Before you eat, ask yourself:

  • “Am I hungry? —-How do I know I am hungry? — What happens in my body that tells me this?”

Be specific. Notice and distinguish the difference between the actual physical feeling of hunger and other feelings that trigger strategies to meet a need other than sustenance, such as boredom, nervousness, anxiety, fear, anger, or excitement.

  • What is my first response to those “feelings” in my body that are telling me I am hungry?  

Do you ignore it?  Grab the first food in sight?  Think about what you would like to eat?  Think about what you think you should eat?  Get in the car and drive up to a fast food window?  Go for a run and wait it out?  Make yourself a beautiful meal and invite a friend over?

Second: identify Your Needs

  • What do I care about and value the most when feeding myself? 
  • “What am I hungry for? Sustenance?  Connection?  Excitement?  Love? Empathy?  Ease?  Rest?”

Third: Choose Your (new) Strategies
AFTER IDENTIFYING THE STIMULUS AND NEED, CHOOSE YOUR STRATEGY FROM A PLACE OF INTENTION AND CLARITY—HOW CAN I BEST MEET MY NEEDS AT THIS MOMENT?
If you are actually hungry for sustenance, ask yourself:

  • “What would sustain me perfectly right now?”  (Be as specific as possible—Sweet.  Sour.  Starchy.  Chunky.  Smooth.  Purple.  Orange.  White.  Pink.  Red.  Soft.  Hard.  Crunchy.  Silky.  Cold.  Hot.  Cold and hot.  Cooked and Raw.)

Actively engage each act of preparing your meal.  In this vein, some questions you might ask yourself are:

  • “When I cut this carrot, what shape would be most pleasing as I place it on my tongue?”
  • “How would this meal give me pleasure to look at on my plate, or in my bowl?”
  • “Would I like to eat alone or with somebody?”
  • “Would I like music or silence?”
  • “Would I like to sit at a table, on the couch, or on the floor?”

Use your imagination and wisdom to broaden your attention and listen to what may be the most nourishing strategy for meeting our common needs when feeding yourself.

 

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The Spiral Blend

 

The Spiral Blend

click here for a video of the practice

The Spiral Blend appeared in its early form one day while I was IMG_0371 copyout jogging with my wife Judith. In the middle of the run our conversation headed south as she began to express her frustrations about our shared household cleaning responsibilities. What she said and especially how she said it was hard for me to not take personally. My anger rose as I felt my chest tighten. It was then I remembered “irimi tenkan”, a central Aikido move where you take a step, turn to move out of the way of an attack and then blend with the direction of the attack to create connection. I decided to try something. Instead of positioning myself right in front of her and her pointed words, I stepped slightly to her side and just off her “line of attack” as if to side step a physically thrown a punch. To my surprise, with just that small shift in my position her words seemed to sail by me. I was able to relax, breath easier and clear my mind enough to separate who I was from what she was saying.

I let her jog a half step more ahead of me so that I could run in a position slightly behind her right shoulder where my heart was physically just behind hers and from this vantage point I could see over her shoulder towards what she was seeing. No longer physically in the line of her frustration, I relaxed, paid attention to my feelings and felt more curious about what was going on for her. I spoke to her from a quieter place in me. To my delight, we both lightened up and things resolved very quickly. This was the dawn of the Spiral Blend. If it can work with your spouse, it can help anywhere.

After several years of practicing Nonviolent Communication, my family participated in an extraordinary forum with Marshal Rosenberg, the founder of NVC, outside the city of Nagpur in Central India. . Nagpur is where I began to develop the Spiral Blend as a means to teach Nonviolent Communication somatically across language barriers, with very few words that brought the body more into the learning. Encoded within the Spiral Blend are all the main principles Nonviolent Communication to practice, explore and enjoy.

 

Thirty-five hundred Dalit, the untouchables and lowest in the caste system of India, built a temporary makeshift town in order to gather and learn more about Nonviolent Communication. Each day everyone would listen to Marshal through an interpreter as he taught. In the afternoon and evenings, along with 20 other trainers from around the world, we worked with and taught families, clans, children, business partners and individuals the basics of NVC. Intimate contact with such a different culture was a wonderful confirmation of the common ground that we all share.

 

Somatic processes shine a light on how repetitive responses to life’s situations become lodged in our nervous systems and how independent our habituated responses can be from what is happening in the present moment. Simply put, your body will do what it has repetitively learned to do. When you train your attention to shift from the dramas you perceive to what is happening in your body, your body will become a place to come home to when you lose your bearings.

 

In real life, this practice takes only seconds and minutes. We’ll explore it slowly at first. I have divided this practice into several parts to be learned sequentially. Like training wheels, once embodied, the suggested sequence can be dropped in favor of using your body’s felt sense to divine which position in the process will benefit you the most at any given moment.

  1. Stimulus and Cause
  2. Core Strategies
  3. Self-Regulate
  4. Self-Empathy
  5. Empathy
  6. Entering
  7. Finding Common Ground
  8. The Dance of Empathy and Honesty
  9. Mutual Strategies
  10. Internalizing the Practice

 

The Set Up and Role-Play

There are 2 people in this role-play, the Receiver and the Challenger. In the initial set up, the Receiver tells the Challenger who he or she is and what to say. Set it up so that the Challenger’s role is only mildly triggering. Although it us only a role-play, working with the body can bring up old traumas very quickly, so move slow and with care. On a scale of 1-10, 10 being the most triggering, set up the confrontation to be a 2 or 3. It is interesting and important to note that the body does not differentiate between what is real and what is imagined. Your body will react in the ways it has practiced the most when you are triggered.

In the role-play, instead of just playing the part, as the Challenger actually imagine “being” the person you are asked to be. For example, if you are playing your partner’s brother, ask yourself what it might be like to be his brother and just try to allow the sense of him to come through you. You may be surprised at how this feels and what comes out of your mouth!

One of the more challenging but necessary things to do in setting up this practice whether in real life or in role plays, is to agree on who goes first. Generally in a conflict, both participants are triggered. As you practice, remember that it is the Receiver who will need to center and self-empathize and give empathy to the Challenger. In the set up, take a moment to get clear on who is the Receiver and who is the Challenger. Remember, one at a time. Trying to process triggering moments simultaneously can get very messy. It may take a few starts and do-overs to land on who is the most triggered and who is the most capable of giving empathy. Relationships are never a straight line from here to there. Do not be afraid to start over. There is no wrong in this practice, only learning and getting better.

Stimulus and Cause

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  • Challenger: Stand directly in front of the Receiver, point your finger and speak the triggering statement you have been coached to say.   For example: “Why don’t you ever clean the tub when you are done!” or “I get so angry when you interrupt me all the time”.

Remember: You are not responsible for others’ feelings; you are responsible for your own. It is essential to identify and separate the stimulus (what the Challenger says) from the cause of your pain(your own feelings).

 

Core Contractions and Strategies

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  1. Receiver: As the Challenger’s triggering words land on you, drop your attention to locate the center of any tightness, sensation or emotional pain that is stimulated in your body. This is your core contraction.

Ask yourself:

  1. Where is there tightness in my body?
  2. What are the sensations and where are they the strongest?
  3. How has my breathing changed?
  4. Is there a deadening or an intensifying of emotion anywhere? Where?
  5. Scan you body as you practice. Is there anything happening in your chest, shoulders, back, arms, legs….. Bring curiosity and attention to any contractions and sensations you feel. Notice internal stories, judgments or reactions that might surface. At this time try not to analyze things, just notice what comes up and let go of your evaluations. Describe in detail to your partner what you are experiencing.

*Note: If you are struggling to locate specifically where the contractions and sensations are in your body because the triggering seems like everywhere or nowhere, you have probably picked a situation that is more than a 2 or 3 on the scale of 1-10. Chose something less intense. The Spiral Blend can help you through these moments as you explore it in depth. I would recommend that when first learning, its good to get familiar with all the facets of the Spiral Blend before you move into more intense role plays or applications. Everyone has their own ways of responding to stress and conflict. Our systems can only handle so much intensity before fight/flight startle responses kick in and we automatically default into historical conditioned patterns of behaviors. (See Core Strategies, Chap. 5) You can learn to regulate your own system.

When things feel intense and it becomes confusing where you stand, most likely have been knocked off center by what is coming at you. When you are over stimulated and don’t know what to do, move to the next practice to help relieve your system enough so you can think more clearly and center your attention inward. This will also help you to feel and locate your core contractions and core strategies.

 

Self-Regulate

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It is almost impossible to empathize when you are overwhelmed by emotional pain. The more relaxed you are, the more aware you can be and the more you can feel. The more that you can feel, the more your emotions can point you towards what you

most needed in the present moment. When you are relaxed the people around you relax.

  1. Receiver: Moving to the wind position (above) step “off the line of attack” and as the Challenger continues to point and speak towards your original position look to see where the words are coming from and then turn your head to follow the Challenger’s words and the energy behind them as they pass you by. Don’t get fixated on the Challenger, remember to turn your head. Only after you have watched this train of words go by turn your head once again to notice where these words originate. This move is much like the toreador who steps effectively and efficiently to the side to let the bull rush by.

 

*Note: Moving to Wind helps you get a different perspective on the matter. Step off the line and keep the same amount of distance between you and the Challenger, making sure to not move either farther away or closer to the Challenger. Wind is not about leaving or pushing the interaction; it is about attending to your feelings and getting a fresh perspective while staying connected.

 

  1. Receiver: In the Wind posture quietly notice:
  2. What sensations do I now feel in my body?
  3. How is it different from when you were standing directly on the line of the attack?
  4. How do the words land on you now?
  5. Does your triggering subside a bit in this new position?
  6. Notice if your feelings or judgments toward the other person change at all?
  7. Self-Empathy
  • “Don’t just do something, be here”

Self-empathy is inner listening where you place the light of your attention on your internal world of feelings, emotions, moods, sensations and stories that show up in response to life’s ups and downs. You must regain a centered sense of who you are and what you care about in order to put aside your agendas, judgments or attachment to outcomes and just listen. This is difficult. Learning to get out of your own way to fully listen is something you can cultivate to do in longer and longer moments. In those moments your somatic intelligence can point you towards what you need.        

  • From the wind position, bring your hands to chest level and with elbows having only a slight bend in them and fingers pointed forward, vigorously rub your hands together.
  • Hold your hands apart and extend your arms and fingers as if you’re reaching out to catch a big ball. Notice any tingling of energy in your hands from the friction of rubbing them together.
  • Document4Touch your heart. Bring your palms and their warmth to your heart. Remember and appreciate the heart that you have.
  • Wake up your belly. Now connect your heart to your belly by stroking your torso from your heart down to the belly. Wake the belly up by patting it in the front, the sides and the back and bring your attention into the center of all that sensation.

 

  • Ground: Move to ground. With your left foot forward, bend your legs slightly so that you feel grounded and centered. Have your hands down by your side and about a foot in front of you, palms open towards the ground and fingers spread wide. Keep your body vertical with your head above your heart and your heart above your belly.

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Take a moment to appreciate the ground that is supporting you, that is under each of us— where under-standing is found and what brings more meaning to life.

  • Here are some grounding questions to ask your self.
    1. What do I deeply care about?
    2. What is the ground I stand on?
    3. What qualities of being bring meaning and joy to my life?

All of these questions lead to remembering who you are! Finding your ground helps you differentiate between what another is saying or doing and who you are. Take the time you need to appreciate the ground you stand on, what you deeply value and as you gain a sense of your ground and recover the sense of self you can move to the next step of empathizing with your partner.

Empathy

This is a moment in the Spiral Blend where the lightest of touch is the most powerful one. Where true power arises from meaning understood through the heart and a potent entry point is revealed that touches one another’s deepest needs and passions. To find that point of entry it is essential to recognize where that spot originates within you. Finding what you stand on, your ground is a necessary step to connecting to another’s ground. Finding common ground, what we deeply value and care about is where you find under-standing.

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  • Receiver: Once you have resourced your own ground, step to just behind the shoulder of the Challenger as he continues pointing at your original position and speaking the triggering statements. In Aikido, this angle of entry is calledshikaku” and means “optimum entering angle”. Shikaku is both a very safe position for someone to move into when attacked and the most effective angle of entry for effectively harmonizing the situation.

 

  • Receiver: Enter with care and bring the palm of your hand directly behind the Challenger’s heart…. but don’t touch yet. Just listen with an intention to connect with the Challenger’s ground. Listen without agenda or pressure to “fix things”. Look over the Challenger’s shoulder and be open and curious to what it might be like to be in his/her shoes. In this position the Challenger can barely see you. In this moment with heart behind heart, with your judgments and triggering out of the way, connection is nascent. Now is when you listen with your whole being to the life you have in common, to your common ground. (See 7 C’s of Empathy pgs…)

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  • Receiver: With all your senses and imagination engaged, listen and wonder:
    • What is it that this person is feeling?
    • What would this person love more of?
    • What is the deeper needs under the words?”
    • What is the ground this person is standing on?

 

*At any time, if you become too triggered or caught up in the drama of the words of the Challenger, go back to wind and ground position to re-center.    

When the Receiver steps into Shi-ka-ku, centered, resourced and ready, then the dance begins between the yin and the yang, the knowing and the mystery. Looking over the Challenger’s shoulder to see what he is seeing, the Receiver’s guess does not come from trying to come up with an answer; the guess comes in a moment and feels like an “aha!” This is listening creatively. (See 7 C’s pg.…) This is listening with all of our senses open, the faculty of our imagination engaged.

By leaving the space open and uncluttered within your self to just listen, the answers to your queries will come.

The main purpose of empathic guesses in Nonviolent Communication is to create connection. That moment of connection happens before touch—before the utterance of any word. The name for this poignant moment in Aikido is dai-ai, Translated from Japanese, it means “big love”. It is the all-encompassing love that reminds us that we are one, and that our needs are one.

Dai-ai is when you hold the other in an empathic listening field and sense the deeper intentions that are below the conflict. In Aikido, the moment of dai-ai happens just before any physical interaction takes place, when your own intentions are clear and you are readied so that by the time your attacker takes action it is already over! You can literally stop the conflict before it turns physical or violent. .(see SURF practice pg… and Empathic Listening pg….to explore this more).

  • Receiver: Listen patiently with humility. Pay attention to the rhythm of this unfolding. Give it lots of space. Wait to be moved by a sense or some glimpse of understanding of the ground that the Challenger is standing on. Only then do you make an empathic guess.

To help understand the quality of presence and listening required here imagine that you have traveled a great distance, climbed the mountain to be in the presence of a very wise elder and now you have the opportunity to ask just one question of this divine individual. Take your time to think, feel, check intuitively and then ask your one question with humility, respect and gratitude.

Good timing is process and patience awaiting an advantage. There is a rhythm in all communications. There is a time to initiate and begin, a time to listen, a time for action and a time to end. If you don’t pay attention to the space in a song and rush the beat you hurt the song. It’s the same with relationships. Pay attention, let the space within the interaction inform the timing and quality of your empathic guesses. Like a crescendo approaching in a song, let the urge build inside you until you feel moved. Then guess.

This is where the lightest of guesses can be the most connective. The quality of feeling behind your guess is care that shows that you want to really understand who the other is for the sake of loving connection. 

  • Receiver: Make sure when you speak that it is a clearly a question and not a In time, find your own genuine way of guessing what the ground level of the others feelings and needs are. For now, here are a   couple examples of ways to guess:
    • I am guessing you’re feeling frustrated and would love some appreciation or maybe just to be heard? Is that right?
    • Are you feeling angry that I came in to your room without asking because you really value privacy and want yours to be respected?
  • Receiver: As you guess, you will know by the reaction it invokes how near or far you are from connecting with the Challenger’s ground level needs. If the guess is close, you will notice a visceral “shift”, that in some way that shows a release or an easing of tension as the Challenger begins to feel heard and resistance lessens.

 

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This shift is a moment when you have moved into your heart and touched another, when the conflict becomes no longer a conflict but a place to explore collaboratively.

Savor this precious moment and don’t rush to fill the space with words. Just appreciate this quality of connection. Slow down and deeply feel it. Remember what this feels like. Build a somatic impression that you can reference and keep finding your way back to. This creative moment in the process that everything is in service of and when the deeper needs that we all share become revealed is all too often rushed or missed.

  • Receiver: Once you feel the shift and a sense of connection, gently, with the lightest of touch, place your palm on your partner’s back. If the other person feels hesitancy, manipulation, or agenda in your touch or words, then a sense of mistrust can grow. This initial touch is of the utmost importance. As soon as you touch someone they organize themselves around that touch. A compassionate touch transmits compassion and leaves nothing to resist. In the midst of a fight, to be touched in this way brings a relief and intensifies the sense of connection.
  1. The Dance of Empathy and Honesty

Another Aikido principle is called Zanshin. It refers to a state of awareness – of relaxed alertness. The literal translation of zanshin is “remaining mind”. It literally means being absolutely attentive to the next move right after the previous move.

The next beat in the rhythm of the Spiral Blend is the response from your partner. Make sure not to rush the space between the guess and the response or you might ruin the beauty of the song’s unfolding. The heart has no need to rush. Most often it is our heads that think we should.

Often your partner’s response will let you know if you are on the mark or not, and in some way if you listen closely, your partner will give you breadcrumbs. Always take the time to feel how your words land on your partner.

As you proceed from the last move to this one, remember all the care and effort it took to ignite the connection. Just like building a fire from scratch, once that initial, tiny flame bursts forth the job is not done. Just the right amount of breath and kindling is needed to continue to build the fire, too much or too little and it might go out. So with your presence and attention to that small flame you have kindled, continue from when the Receiver has just put a hand on the Challenger’s back.

  • Receiver: Give lots of space between your words and the Challenger’s responses. With care and patience, continue to guess the ground that is under the Challengers words. Listen and. When you begin to feel resonance, like you are getting on the same page, without changing the direction, gently and slowly move the conversation forward. With your hand on the Challenger’s back, gradually suggest with your touch the intention to walk for a while in the direction in which the Challenger is pointing. This movement is a suggestion, not a push.
  • Receiver: As you feel a connection and understanding between the two of you growing, gradually move from behind the Challenger to his/her side. Continue to hold the Challenger’s needs with care as you slowly and respectfully, bring to the conversation what you would love and value in this moment as well. Be careful not to introduce strategies, judgments or agendas with attachments to outcomes into the conversation. Get both of your mutual needs on the table first.

 

Mutual Strategies

There is a moment in Aikido practice that is called “aiki”. It is when conflict becomes a harmonious movement towards greater connection and understanding.

  • Receiver: Gently with your hand resting on the Challenger’s back, continue to walk forward together. Keep your focus on the present moment and stay open to possibilities. Continue the conversation with empathy and honesty. Once you can articulate your mutual needs, mutual strategies come easily. Slowly walk in a new direction, one that honors mutual needs and strategies.

Internalizing the Practice 

Of course it would look pretty silly to spread your arms and move to wind or step behind the back of the person you are speaking to in the middle of a conflict. Going through this practice with a training partner will help to illuminate places where you get stuck and triggered as well as places to foster deep connection. Set up sessions to practice the Spiral Blend role-plays in groups and with partners and friends. In time you will be able to move through the positions of the Spiral Blend in your mind and imagination with out moving your body or making subtle micro movements that remind you of the full body practice.

Here are some examples:

  • When I want to ground, I wiggle my toes to feel the earth and imagine sending roots down.
  • I turn my palms behind me to find support at my back. Make up your own micro movements.
  • To imagine wind I pivot my body slightly and imagine someone’s words sliding off me instead of landing fully on me. When Judith catches any of my micro-movements in the middle of our fights, she smiles because she knows that the reason I am doing them is to be more present with her.

Just as I did while jogging with my wife, find your own creative ways to blend the Spiral Blend into your daily interactions. The more you practice the more you will glean and incorporate harmonizing conflict into your way of being.

 

Finding Common Ground

Recently I lead a workshop in Duncan, BC between 12 fathers and 12 sons between the age of 11 and 13.  At this age, it is not uncommon for fathers to  feel a sense of lose for the kind of connection that they had with their son when he was younger. It seems to me that this is because children as they are entering their adulthood are growing and changing at such a rapid pace that is very difficult for the parents make the changes within themselves that they need to keep up. A centerpiece in this training was a practice that I call the Spiral Blend.  This is a practice distilled from a movement in Aikido called “irimi tenkan” which means enter and turn.    In the center of the circle of men and boys John was speaking to his son in a role play that recreated a conflict that they were having at home. He said, “Will you keep the noise down! I have to we are earplugs all day to keep the noise down in my carpentry shop  and I need some quiet here!”

Normally at home, his son, Andrew would nod his head and in no time make just as much noise as he’d been making before. John would invariably get angrier and the conflict would spiral down. I coached Andrew through this role-play as he stepped out of the way of his father’s words and took a moment to ground himself by remembering what was important to him. He said, “I care about honesty. I care about people listening to each other well. I care about people helping one other.” That’s what he said he was willing to take a stand for in his own life. That was his ground.

He then moved to a place behind his father, looking over his shoulder to imagine what his father was seeing and feeling. His heart lined up behind his dads’. Without judgments or agenda he just listened to his father’s raised voice complaining about the noise. Centered and grounded, Andrew could now give his father’s words some space to feel into what was underneath them. Connecting in that moment to his father’s ground, lightly he asked, “Are you upset because you worked really hard toady and need quiet to rest? His father just stood there as Andrew added, “ and maybe you’d really like me to really get how hard you work to support me too because you care. Is that right? I just want to make sure I’m getting it right dad.”

The room was silent.  John stood there looking stunned. His shoulders and back seemed to settle. His breath quieted. Color came to his face. His eyes became a little liquid. He just turned around, speechless and with the gentlest, appreciation said, “My son”. They hugged each other. The beauty and realization of that connection rippled around the room.  Empathy for one, touches all.   As we debriefed John described the moment.  “I felt a connection to my son that I love with my son and have so missed”.

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In another workshop, William was struggling with his wife.   She was a very intelligent and high-energy woman. She was a manager in company with 40 thousand employees. In a role-play, he stood behind her just after stepping from Shi Ka Koo to a moment of. He was listening to her upset and venting about how hard it is for to live with the chaos in their home. She said, “ You throw your clothes over the chair instead of hanging them up, the tub is left with a film an about how busy she was and that…… If he had not centered prior to stepping into Shi Ka Koo would have felt criticized and blamed. He still got a little uncomfortable and his question came out a bit rushed and “heady” when he asked her,” Are you feeling angry and wanting some ease at home. She responded, Yes I am angry, because you never put things away…I asked him to go back to wind and let her words go by and not land on him and then to ground to remember where he stood. He came back to Shi Ka Ko and to her go on again about what was upsetting her. This time you could see that he was noticeably calmer, not taking what she was saying personally, and, with his heart behind her heart, he just listened.

In almost a whisper he gently said, “Are you just needing some rest time when you are home after working all day and want me to know that if the house was more cared for how that would really help?”

She just stood there, almost stunned. IT is like she was leaning on the door to get in, and all of a sudden it just opened unexpectedly.

She teared up, her demeanor softened and she choked out a grateful’, “yes”. Around the room as if a shockwave went though everyone. Everyone’s attention was riveted to the moment, water rose to several people’s eyes.

 

At this moment he paused.   Connection was made and it is a powerful moment. .

At each moment of connection, appreciate and savor it.   Don’t worry about getting to the next moment. If you get triggered you can go back to the wind and ground positions to re-center.

 

 

 

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

~ Mary Oliver ~

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Core Strategies

“The wound is the place where light enters you”                                 Rumi

jedi

A Place of Grace

Self-discovery and the work that it requires can be unsettling. There is a place to come home to within each of us. Each of us is born with an unencumbered place in ourselves, free from expectations, harsh judgments, regrets, humiliation, shame, ambition, distress and fear….a place of original grace and kindness. Theologians call this place the soul, psychologists call it the psyche, Hindus call it Atman, Buddhists call it the Dharma, Native Americans call it Spirit, Jesus calls it Love and Marshal Rosenberg calls this our “Needs”. To know this inward place is to know our selves not by the surface masks of identity we have taken on, not by our occupation or clothing styles but by feeling our relation to this inward place, inhabiting it and Sum.

The practice of becoming is a constant layering over of our beginnings, and then the chipping away of non-essentials. A path towards mastery on any path requires a life long commitment to do what it takes to peel back these layers and self-limiting beliefs while seeking-out peace and guidance from that un-corruptible inward place of grace at your core. Communion with our deepest knowing is essential. In our depths, we are all beautiful and as we discover this, healing, connection, empowerment and community takes place.

Core Strategies

 

“Up to 93% of communication is non-verbal, including gestures, posture, and tone of voice”.                                                                     Albert Mehrabian at UCLA

                                               

“The body is the shape of our experience and any change in the self changes the worldview.

                                                                                             Dr. Richard Strozzi-Heckler

 

The stories we grow up with permeate our perceptions, become set through repetition and practice into our muscles, cells, intentions and all of our communication. What will bring us love, safety and belonging is what motivates us powerfully and sets the habits in our bones that are hard to change. What you communicate through tone, gesture, body shape and movement exceeds the impact of your choice of words. Who you are in how you show up communicates what you have lived through, what you hide away, the ways you have mustered your courage, taken a stand for what you care about, your judgments of self and others, the hits you’ve endured and where you hold your pain. Consciously lived, each story is a potential source of wisdom. Unconsciously lived, the same narratives can limit things considerably. Stories reveal our uniqueness and our commonality and sharing them is connective and healing.

Core Strategies are the main strategies that you’ve used to bring you to this moment. They are the primary patterns of behavior you have historically developed and put in place to meet your core needs for safety and belonging. Some of these strategies practiced regularly and unconsciously, may serve you well while others may not. Core Strategies form at any time in your life, but most profoundly during preverbal development when your brain and body are in rapid change.

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You can’t lose your history! Although our early life is to imbedded to get rid of, old reactions can become the compost to grow new resources. This process begins by noticing and appreciating when, how, why and where these historical, unconscious strategies show up.

Through out our lives, as we begin to know who we are, we find out how those parts of our selves that we suppress or ignore eventually come back to bite us and taint how we express ourselves. The interior work here is to nurture the relationship with your unconscious self, to endeavor to understand its purpose and processes enough to have it become your own best friend. Establishing a friendship helps bring unconscious habits under conscious control and as a way of life widens horizons.

Your unconscious self establishes strategies to serve your most essential needs. Our unconscious, at the request of the conscious, if asked, not demanded will alter its habits. The important thing to remember here is that the unconscious self won’t do so in any manner that undermines the primary needs that those habits were set in place to serve.

An Indian Fakir can slow his heart to nearly undetectable levels but he cannot force his heart to stop permanently. The only reason his unconscious self will agree to alter autonomic functions at all is because the fakir honors the intelligence and tasks of the unconscious.

Safety and Belonging

As an organism we’re always moving towards contact, to be safe, nurtured and loved.

In the moment of meeting, boundaries touch boundaries, reactions trigger reactions and below the words we use and the stories we

tell, there is a play of very real non-verbal forces, habits and responses.

In our early years, we live in the question, “What will keep me safe and bring me love?” and then create strategies for securing it. All too often the answer to that question sounds something like, “ If I do what they want me to do, I will be loved” or “If I keep my opinions to my self, I will be safe”. My mother in-law once said that a child’s world is like being in a room where the doorknob is on the outside. Invariably, we all create strategies growing up that organize around a unique set of circumstances. The meaning and interpretations we connect with our core strategies fortify them. We are biologically wired for “yes” as well as “no”. When we experience beauty, a gorgeous sunset, a plate of yummy food for example, a core strategy that we may develop around these experiences is relaxation, appreciation and a feeling of expansion.   We may have learned to open our hearts in certain ways when someone says “I love you”, where as some one raised under different circumstances might have learned to feel fear, mistrust and emotional pain, contractive states of being when they hear the same words. We become expansive when we live in the feeling of what we love and care about. We become contracted when we are in pain or fearful. Over time expansive and contractive core strategies become unconscious, embodied, deeply embedded in our nervous systems and integral parts of our unique personalities.

 

Core Contractions

What’s your main social response, the one that you employ when surprised in challenging social situations?

Do you move towards conflict, away, give up, acquiesce try to make?

Imagine that someone is walking towards you on the street, an unknown presence, someone who may or may not pose a threat. Muster your imagination as best as you can to evoke an emotional reaction as this person steps closer and closer. As the stranger approaches the edge of your personal space, try to notice any tenseness that you may feel in your body in response to this potential threat. When this unknown presence gets too close for comfort, where do you notice yourself tensing the most? Point to it. See if you can find the epicenter of the tightness and sensations you feel in this triggering moment. This is a core contraction. If you are not noticing anything, try again and if need be, increase the intensity of the imagined scene you are creating to be slightly more menacing.

Do you want to fight or flee?

Do you want to connect?

Do you want to sever connections and create boundaries?

Do you freeze or go limp?

These primary emotional responses to triggering situations are the learned strategies we develop to protect core aspects of our being.

Core Contractions form in response to defining moments, trauma or recurring theme`s that have impacted our lives such as: the loss of a parent, a divorce, being left alone for extended periods, the surprising addition of a new sibling, an abusive relationship, even the backfiring of a car at the wrong time to an unsuspecting child. If the experience is not fully processed at the time it begins to congeal in the body and over time becomes a primary contractive reaction.

A rush of energy happens in response to any challenge, large or small, from being held a gunpoint to the ringing of the telephone. When we become startled our system is flooded with a stream of energy in an effort to restore familiar ground. Our own resistances to the increase of energy we experience can knock our system out of alignment. This rush of energy can represent the force of change that we feel as conflict, both internal and external.

During these intense upsets, we “check out” of the situation as it is, ignoring the energy that is streaming through us and adopt a familiar, conditioned way of behaving.

When these historical “fight/flight” strategies kick in our muscles stay in a particular way, we assume a specific posture, use familiar speech and gestural patterns, breathe a certain way and take a stance, literally, that manifests the tendency. In this state, giving empathy is very difficult.

Core contractions forms as a way to self regulate the amount of energy we can take in or not. Just as the iris of the eye opens and closes to regulate how much light is needed, depending on our nature and nurturing, our bodies expand and contract to regulate the intensity of energy from emotional experiences that we can handle. We expand to let in the beauty of a puppy’s cuddle and we tighten and contract against an insult spoken to us by a loved one.

When we fall back on our core contractive responses we utilize more of our implicit (preverbal) memory responses. We also lose some of our higher reasoning power as we shift to our sympathetic nervous system and our reptilian brain kicks in. This natural rush of energy and fight flight response makes sense if you imagine how our early ancestors lived in the wild. When predators showed they needed to gather themselves to meet the threat quickly and powerfully… tensing their legs to go into a crouch, quieting their breath to listen, focusing their eyes. After an intense encounter, they might walk for miles back to their tribe, trembling and crying to process the trauma’s residual energies and allow their systems to recalibrate.

In our modern culture, all too often, this gathering of energies and processing of residual tension gets detoured, tamped down and blocked as we conform to acceptable cultural norms. We struggle for survival to pay the bills; there are wars and daily violence on the news. We are told to sit quiet, be a good girl, boys don’t cry and to do what we are told, even when it goes against our own heart’s advice or our gut instinct. In this kind of way the energy that gathers to meet a threat, that once naturally got processed, is instead stopped up and left unreleased. Some of us are taught that it is not ok to cry or grieve. Un-released energy shows in our bodies as chronic low-grade tightness in our shoulders, headaches, back problems, shallow breathing and narrow focus.   Most of us live with some form of low-grade unprocessed trauma all the time.

These embodied and core contractive strategies show up internally as emotions, sensation and stories. Lived unconsciously they become self-fulfilling prophecies. Outwardly they are visible in the ways that we comport ourselves, in gestures, tone, the tensing and relaxing of muscles and of course our words. Because of this, these embodied automatic habits can compel our actions, beyond what we might truly intend or want. For example some people will habitually demure or acquiesce, while others quickly are moved to anger, some are compelled to help while others tune out.

Contraction is a way to dull physical and emotional pain.  When someone hits you in your arm, your muscles contract in pain around where you were hit as you hold and rub the sore spot to soften the pain. In the same way when we take an emotional hit, we contract around the pain to protect ourselves from further attacks and to dampen the pain. We might hunch our shoulders and tighten the muscles around our hearts to protect it from further “attacks”, or tighten our bellies to hide and protect our “gut” intuitions that are belittled, we contract around our throat region if we learn that when we express ourselves our loved disapprove. When we contract around emotional pain it softens the sensations of pain that we feel. It also keeps us from fully engaging those resources we are protecting. We hide away our most precious assets, distancing our selves from our bodies’ messages. These messages when chronically ignored become a source of dis-ease. When listened to, those messages can lead us toward greater self-acceptance, awareness, our power and unique gifts.

Recent discoveries in neuro-science support somatic incites of how relational and behavioral learning is a whole body biological experience Working somatically offers us the opportunity to physically and energetically experience our habitual strategies and shift them to more inclusive and collaborative ways to respond to conflict and resistance.

By becoming familiar and learning to listen and appreciate our body’s signals rather than to react to them, an “inner guidance system” becomes available that tells us of dangers and brings direction and clarity to the choices at hand.

By noticing where your muscles tighten, how your breathing changes, where your contractions are, you can slowly touch in on the precious resources protected by those contractions in the first place and with care, attention and practice transform old reactions into new resources for connection.

Reaction to Resource

Recent studies of the brains’ neuroplasticity show that contrary to accepted beliefs; old dogs can learn new tricks. Our adult brain is much more changeable than once thought. Core strategies are changeable. It helps to recognize that within our biological evolution we are hard-wire to maintain a status quo. Within the breakdown and breakthroughs that are a part of transitioning to new habits are two reactions: one is a kind of panic in letting go of control because of our identification with old accustomed strategies, the other is a sense of aliveness and possibility as we begin to re-organize, frame things differently and find meaning in what we are becoming. This is where centering practices come in.

When centered we feel our emotions. When un-centered, we tend to mechanically, hide our feelings and emotions behind practiced patterns of comporting and expressing ourselves. Centering establishes awareness around your emotions which allows them to be felt so you can notice where you feel it, where you hold your hurt and what it is trying to say to you. Over time, through centering and re-centering in various situations it’s possible to lengthen the time between the stimulus and automatic response by a fraction of a second. This crucial moment provides enough space (with practice) to consciously shift your strategies to more effective and inclusive ways to respond to pressure and conflict.

Attending to what you’re feeling immediately brings you present, because sensations only occur in the present moment. Like uncramping a water hose allows more water to flow, when centered, your body relaxes so more energy can flow through. The more energy that flows the more able you are to feel excitement and joy. Opening to, rather than squeezing off some part of your lived experience results in a stronger presence that is felt by others. Learning through the body is to return again and again to the energy that presently wants to be lived: listening and hearing the subtle urge for a new profession, to release a long held resentment or perhaps an unacknowledged desire to bring more gratitude and friendship into your life.

By paying attention to the narratives you’ve embodied, it is possible to side step the stories we spin around and around in our heads. The repetitive reactions make visible what is embedded in our nervous systems and by tracing your habitual patterns back to their source it becomes possible to assess their efficacy and shift the strategies. Emotions are messengers that inform our choices. Whether a threat is real or imagined, the emotional pain that we feel as our bodies tense and contract tells us we have something to attend to.

As valuable as it is to reconcile our inner splits there are times when we compartmentalize the pain of deep trauma as a protection mechanism because the awareness of it would be too much for our systems to handle. These are the splits that are so incompatible with our lives that we can only store them away deep in our unconscious.

For most of us though becoming reacquainted with and listening empathically to those hurt places within us is like being reunited with someone you have loved and missed for a long time. With it is a sweet melancholy, a feeling of both grieving what you have missed and the joy of reuniting with what you love.

In training after training, what is wonderfully and startlingly confirmed for is that the most precious source of our own power is what these core strategies were originally and intuitively put in place to safeguard.  Reintegrating and fully inhabiting your body, in every respect brings more tolerance and understanding with your emotions and the emotional difficulties of others.

The somatic practices in this chapter and the last section of this book shed light on our habitual patterns. When faced, they can become a trail of breadcrumbs to healing something experienced in the past that may be in the way now of being fully present.

 

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